~Trifledreamz~

Imagine the horror of life in a world where our innermost thoughts and feelings were boldly displayed so that even passers-by and perfect strangers could see what we were thinking with the merest of glances!

It makes me wonder how many times a day i'd receive a slap round the face or a punch on the nose!

And how many times would somebody be talking to me with great animation only to suddenly go quiet at noticing my train of thought had long since left the station and was already over the hills and far away?

We see that our childhood dreams of becoming a cartoon hero might not be quite such fun after all and therefore i must finally relinquish my youthful ambitions of sharing the pages of life with Desperate Dan and Korky the Cat...although i will never give-up on Betty Boop.

Writing a blog is a little like displaying your own personal thought-bubbles to the world but in a somewhat edited way, censored and screened until it is fit for human consumption and we only share what we want to share.

Take the good lady, for example, who plainly mistook me for some rustic son-of-the-soil, seeing in my demeanour nothing more than a weather-beaten old gardener with the request that i should visit her secluded abode without delay to trim her precious little bush.

By way of reply, i could only bow and say, Madam, alas but your bush is of no importance to me.

But she was not to be so easily deterred and, with fluttering eyelashes, she implored me in the name of heaven and said that she could not rest until my seasoned hands had been given free reign amongst her lush foliage.

Forgive me, madam, i protested with a polite firmness in my voice, but i fear that i'd be nothing but fingers and thumbs if let loose amongst your undergrowth and therefore i must decline your unexpected invitations and go on my way, unhindered and in peace, if you please.

She stood in silence a moment and sighed before a reluctant acceptance that she should cease her entreaties with grace came upon her...but not before mentioning that if i ever experienced a change of heart then she would be only too pleased to find me busy in her shrubbery one morning.

How those fine dresses and clusters of jewels enhanced the allure of our feminine ancestors and how temptingly intoxicating it must have been to take ones pleasure with a blushing lover, dressed to thrill until eventually stripping her by degrees.

The woman of the day may not have worn knickers or bra but she did wear many other unseen garments to protect her modesty and uphold her sensual air of mystery beneath that fine attire; a kirtle or underskirt, a chemise, a farthingale, a bumroll, petticoat, a corset and parlet with short stockings tied at the knee.

The bumroll was a particularly pleasing device, designed to accentuate the hips and allow the gown to flow and sweep with a flourish...delightful.

That demon invention, elastic, was not created until 1820 and not generally used for underwear until the early 20th century, so everything was carefully tied in place.

I look at The Ghosts of Housemates Past and still wonder why unique and highly adorable contestants such as Shabnam, Kinga, Emma, Nikki and Narinder weren't universally adored throughout the land and hailed as true heroines of our time!

But as i say, this year it will be different!

Having seen the opening week, i have boldly chosen three girls on whom to pin my hopes and offer my fervant support:

Rachel Rice: a pretty Welsh brunette with a pleasing personality, a lovely smile and possibly the cutest bum in BB history...which appears to possess a magnetic quality that causes my eyes follow wherever she goes...or have i forgotten an especially fantastic rump and been too hasty in awarding this accolade to young Rachel?

Sylvia Barrie: Surely the stunner of the house this year, a real looker, she's very watchable indeed but the jury is still out as yet regarding her character, i live in hope that her beauty goes beyond skin-deep and that she doesn't become just another piece of summer eye-candy.

Who was the Victorian wench of the story and who had wooed her?

Indeed, exactly how wooed was she?

It transpired that something of a controversy had blown-up around the indiscreet liaisons between a highly regarded member of the local nobility, Lord Muffingham, and an infamous backstreet harlot celebrated in the village as Fishy Fanny.

His Lordship was undoubtedly not the first, nor the last, gentleman in his autumnal years to be bewitched by a saucy young floozy with a reputation for possessing loose morals and even looser knicker elastic and i can sympathise with the doddery old codger's trembling delight in the attentions of this mysterious young madam.

1. What I was doing 10 years ago:
I was getting very excited at the confident prospect of England winning the 1998 World Cup, which of course they didn't. Jobwise, i was doing the same work as i do now but with another company and living on my own in a grubby little flat.

2. What 5 things are on on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):
Watch the start of the Euro 2008 Championship, (which England failed to qualify for so i'll be supporting Spain)
Potter around a bit in the garden.
Watch some more of Big Brother, which looks pretty good this year...hurrah for Davina McCall!
Drink plenty of Guinness because i still have lots left over from my birthday.
Make tea & toast for my wife because she'll be demanding some very soon.

3. Snacks I enjoy:
The list is endless but i'd start with doritos & salsa dip, pork pies, peanut butter sandwiches, hot buttered crumpets.

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire:
Buy a very nice and very secluded cottage by the sea somewhere, employ a personally selected staff of buxom maids, say yes to everything my wife wanted, go on a very long cruise around the world, give my boys loads of cash, write my memoirs about how i became a billionaire.

5. Places I have lived:
Selsey, Chichester, Havant, CloudCuckooLand.

The message was to be proud of one's body and to love what nature has given you, the public involved spoke of empowerment, freedom and liberation, which is all very well on a balmy summers day but some of the gentlemen might have been less forthcoming had it been bitterly cold midwinter.

The naked body can be beautiful to behold but it may also be quite terrifying, as in the case of the extremely elderly lady who was invited to strip-off before the gathered assembly, which (thankfully) she graciously declined but not before i'd yelled Nooooooo!!! at the television set.

It's quite reassuring to discover that most other people are also prone to bodily subsidence, sagging and being generally out-of-shape, a nice change from having fit, well-toned bodies paraded before us as a reprimand to our own feeble examples of the human form.

Although we're all built to the same basic design, the variations in the naked human body are almost endless, with most pleasure for me being not in viewing lifes Barbies or size-zeros but in the glorious sight of a curvacious, womanly figure shaped as nature intended...love-handles, stretch-marks, spare tyres and all.

The question therefore remains; if you were asked to strip-off with Trinny & Susannah, would you? In public, i wouldn't dare but somewhere private..? I'll just say that i can think of worse things than being the meat in that particular sandwich.

My wife presented me with a stunning new Betty Boop figurine for my collection, the little lady herself naked but for a strategically-clutched pink towel...Betty Boop, i mean, not my wife.

I had a wonderfully relaxing day at home, apart from the few hours when we went out for dinner, which was absolutely gorgeous...mountains of delicious food washed down with liberal quantities of Guinness at the Harvester in Rowlands Castle...all paid for by both our sons kindness and generosity.

Upon returning home utterly stuffed and satisfied, i flung myself onto the bed and, like a lion on the plains who has eaten far too much wildebeest, i slept it all off for a couple of hours.

And like the king of beasts, i am at my lazy leisure for two weeks now, being off work until the middle of the month, during which time i fully intend to tackle the odd domestic chore here and there but will mainly relish my relaxation and quality time alone with my lovely wife.