What would your ad in the personal column say if you had to describe yourself in terms of a used car? Are you a good little runner in need of some attention?

Have you got too many miles on the clock from too many different owners?

Perhaps you are seriously in need of a major servicing, your bodywork still attracts envious eyes from a distance but lets you down under close scrutiny?

Answer me truthfully, has your suspension been on its last legs for years now?

You may boil over too easily these days, emitting more fumes and hot steam than is deemed desirable. Maybe it's a bit of a struggle to get you going in the mornings and you'll be lucky to make it to the scrapyard without bits and pieces falling off along the way.

One unfortunate old gentleman was described by his long-suffering wife as being like a vintage car, as seen on the annual London-Brighton rally: only getting a run-out once a year and even then requiring a good old-fashioned hand-start.

My own ad would read thus:

Lady owner required for shaky old banger still with plenty of go, spare tyre slightly over-inflated, chassis prone to rattling but generally gives a smooth, satisfying ride providing one isn't too demanding of the clutch.

Upholstery now fading and worn, headlamps slightly dim, gearstick regularly given plenty of attention.

Bit of a guzzler and sometimes leaks following a hard, fast drive.

Backfires without warning, dipstick has seen better days, gearbox performs erratically...

...may have been aroud the block a few times too many but beneath the bonnet you'll still find a roaring tiger.
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