On a sunny, windy day like today, my reflections wander back to the bright morning when i first encountered a young lady who was once notorious around these parts: Fanny Salmon. As i lounged about idly on the village green, she came ambling towards me like a galleon in full sail, the regalia of her ribbons and bows complementing the impact of her unwashed and gruesome features.
That was when it happened...a gust of wind caught her by surprise as she acknowledged my presence with a near toothless grin, taking her skirt high into the air and revealing a pair of thick navy blue knickers that put me in mind of a ragged, filthy old tarpaulin.
You may scoff at the romantic notion of love at first sight but my heart was from that very moment enslaved by her wondrous charms, conquering and exploring that fearsome female was my one and only mission in life for several angst-ridden months. I lie awake dreaming about her and wrote countless poems and soliliquies in her honour, all of which were far too passionate and explicit to repeat here. Even the fine stubble on her chins was exquisite to me.
I imagined spending endless hours gazing into her watery, bloodshot eyes and wondered what vistas of heaven lay beneath those elegant undergarments of hers. She had a reputation locally for being a bit on the easy side when it came to the menfolk but she was as pure and chaste with me as the driven snow, a perfectly genteel young maiden, being a little on the frosty side if anything.
It mattered not for, in my eyes, she was the Ice Queen and held the key to untold delights and mysteries which i was desperate to explore.
Everybody told me that she was a toothless, malodorous old bag and that i deserved better than her but my mind was made up...she was the reason i was created, for without her, life would be nothing short of a bleak and cheerless journey without meaning or purpose.
How i fondly remember the summery night when she finally succumbed to my boyish charm onslaught, laying together in a desolate field, i finally prised those moth-eaten and foul garments from her grotesque body while i kissed her madly...our ardour and shared love was consumed and i truly believe to this day that i gave her the best thirty seconds of her wretched life.
Memories of our first loves can be beautiful and warming things, even now i still shudder as i recall my own sweet, long-lost Fanny Salmon, the girl who showed me what life was about and who having captured my heart, left it in a steaming cowpat garnished with soiled tissues.
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she sounds delightful......ever seen her again??
you brave and reckless soul!! boldly going where no boy had gone before.....
