Another New Years Honours list unveiled and another snub for myself from Her Majesty, (by which i mean Queen Elizabeth II, not my wife). Would it really be too much to ask for a little OBE for Services to Trifle Appreciation? For tireless and often outrageous flirting? For the Retention of Uselss Information?

Bah, with all due respect, sod you, Ma'm.

And your bloody corgis.

Rod Stewart receives a CBE for services to leggy blondes and for singing the occasional song, both of which i'd have gladly done if i'd been asked. I'm not especially partial to long-legged blonde ladies but i would have given the job my all if Her Majesty had so desired it. We must all make our little sacrifices in the cause of Queen and country.

On the glorious day which sees me finally bestowed not only with a grand title but also a castle and a mansion or two, i hereby swear to invite every one of you to a sumptuous Masqued Ball in my honour. Indeed, it is my fervant desire that, in future, my Balls be widely celebrated throughout the land.

The ladies may discreetly kneel before me -but not when the wife is looking. The gents may shake me warmly by the throat and heartily wish me well on my undeserved good fortune. What a fine time we'll all have!

The champagne will flow freely, the food will be of the finest quality and there will be a mystery gift to whomsoever is first to commence the food fight. No guest will be suffered to depart proceedings until their lips are sore and chafed from untold kisses and no female guests cleavage shall go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Until i am in a position to grant all of these fine things to you all, which i most assuredly will do the very minute that i take my place amongst the ranks of nobility, i can only wish you the happiest of new years and to thank you kindly for your floods of threatening letters to Buckingham Palace on my behalf.

God bless you in 2007.
Seany x x x
angels
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